


Even a Blind Pig

by rabid_behemoth



Category: Naruto
Genre: Drama, F/M, Gen, Humor, Secret Marriage, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-19
Updated: 2013-07-19
Packaged: 2017-12-20 16:03:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/889171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rabid_behemoth/pseuds/rabid_behemoth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It can be tough to keep secrets from a village full of ninjas. Particularly when Ino’s on the prowl. [Set post-4th Shinobi War. KakaSaku]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Even a Blind Pig

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for Prompt 4 on tumblr's KakaSaku week, 7/18/13. The prompt was "Ino/Naruto/Sasuke's reactions to their ship." It was supposed to be a short drabble but got a little out of hand...

"So? Any plans to celebrate the anniversary of Sasuke's triumphant return to the village?" Ino asked, snatching the last dumpling from the plate before Sakura's chopsticks had a chance.

The two young women were sitting together at the hip new Water Country-style cafe. Ever since the war, the worldwide shinobi alliance had brought unexpected cultural perks — including lots of foreign food joints opening in Konoha. There was a whole market district dedicated to the trend within months, and years later the area was still thriving, with new restaurants popping up all the time. This cafe had blue ocean-themed lanterns strung around the eaves and a suspicious number of smartly-dressed male waiters, all of whom were unnecessarily attractive. It was very  _Ino_.

"Oh yeah, that's this Thursday, right?" Sakura asked absently, lunging for a particularly fat piece of tuna nigiri, only to be beaten to the punch again. Ino popped the morsel into her mouth and chewed with deliberate slowness.

"Honestly Forehead, where is your brain? He's  _your_  teammate, not mine. You should remember this stuff. Whatever happened to the deep love you professed to have for him?"

Sakura rolled her eyes, hand darting forward to snatch a piece of salmon right out from under Ino's nose. You had to be cutthroat when sharing food with the girl or you'd go home hungry every time.

"Probably the same thing that happened to your undying love for him. I got over myself long ago, Pig."

"Pfft, what are you talking about?" Ino snorted. "I am certainly not over myself. How boring would that be? But I did get over Sasuke when I found a better man…unlike you, Forever Alone Forehead."

Sakura raised her brows at the new nickname but ignored the jab. "If Shikamaru counts as a better man, I think I'll take my chances being single." She reached for a slice of hamachi, but Ino's hand slammed down on her wrist, pinning it to the wooden table.

"Hey, watch your tongue! I love that slacker," Ino protested, lifting the sashimi to her lips. She paused, raw fish hovering awkwardly in front her open mouth, eyes glued to Sakura's hand. Sakura's gaze darted from her trapped fingers to the suspicion slowly dawning on Ino's face, and back again.

"What?"

The hamachi slipped right out of Ino's chopsticks and landed in the dish of soy sauce, forgotten. Her utensils fell to the table with a clatter as she yanked Sakura's hand in front of her face.

"Ow, Ino, what the hell?!" the pink haired kunoichi protested in confusion, futilely tugging on her own arm. In about two seconds she would use chakra, and if Ino got hurt it'd be her own damn fault. But the disbelieving expression on her friend's face made Sakura hesitate.

"Sakura. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT," Ino demanded, staring at Sakura's naked ring finger.

Sweat began to form on the back of Sakura's neck, but she ignored it in favor of attempting to extricate her left hand from Ino's grip. "What is what? Let go!"

"The band of light skin on your finger. Your ring finger. Like there's been something perched there, long-term."

Sakura pulled on her arm so hard the table rattled, dishes threatening to crash to the floor. The other diners nearby glanced up in curiosity at the scene. Sakura felt her ears grow hot. "I don't know what you're talking about, Pig! You're making a spectacle of yourself!"

"WHY WAS THERE A RING SITTING ON THIS FINGER." Ino's eyes glittered, hard as diamonds.

"Who cares?"

"You know it's bad luck to wear a ring on your wedding finger without being married, right?"

"…unhand me Ino, or I will use force. Relax and stop being so superstitious, who cares where I wear my rings? Now I'd like to finish the pieces of sushi that are still on the plate if you'd be so kind —"

But Ino's eyes were wide, realization creeping across her astonished features. "Oh. My. God. Are you serious!?"

Sakura fought down the panic in her gut. "What?"

"YOU DIDN'T."

"Knowing the way you jump to conclusions, whatever you're thinking, the answer is no."

Suddenly Ino lunged forward, almost toppling the table over, and physically tackled Sakura. The breath whooshed out of her lungs as her back hit the hard tatami, and Ino's blond hair spilled into her face, wrists pinned to the ground above her head. Sakura summoned chakra to her legs and kicked Ino off with unnecessary force. The other girl went flying backwards, narrowly missing a passing waiter with a tray full of food. The restaurant patrons began to shout in protest.

Sakura scrambled to her feet, wiping blood off her chin from where she'd accidentally bitten her lip. "What the hell is wrong with you? You're making a scene!"

"I'm gonna make a hell of a lot more than that if you don't start talking RIGHT NOW. Haruno Sakura, for the love of god tell me you didn't go and get your ass  _marri_  —"

In a flash Sakura was on the other side of the room, palm slammed firmly over Ino's famously big mouth. "Shut up! This is a public place, you swine!"

The blonde screeched from behind Sakura's hand, wresting it off with chakra of her own. "Good lord, you did! You fucking did! Sakura —"

"I said  _shut up!_ " Sakura hissed, throwing money onto the table unceremoniously and releasing Ino. She apologized hurriedly to the bewildered serving staff, turned tail and fled before the manager could make an appearance. Ino hesitated for exactly two seconds before running out the door in hot pursuit.

"What the hell!?" Ino shouted, shinobi sandals pounding the pavement on Sakura's heels as the two women flew through Konoha's busy market district, narrowly avoiding collisions with a wide manner of pedestrians, children, and carts. Sakura sped up, but Ino's voice was loud enough to carry over the sound of wind rushing past her ears.

"How long!? Who? Why didn't you tell me?! WHY THE FUCK WASN'T I INVITED TO THE WEDDING TELL ME YOU DIDN'T GET SOME OTHER HUSSIE TO BE YOUR BRIDESMAID OH MY GOD I'LL KILL HER BUT ONLY AFTER I TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST SAKURA!"

They barreled through the streets under the unrelenting heat of the midday sun, Sakura scanning the thinning crowd and increasingly sparse outcroppings of buildings for a way to get rid of her pursuer. They were already passing the training grounds near the outskirts of town, and Ino was still ranting and raving about "bridesmaids" and "traitors," and "fairness," and something about "best friend rights," behind her. Sakura desperately wanted to cover her ears against the assault, but she needed her arms to balance while running or she'd trip and —

"Umph!" Sakura ate dirt hard, courtesy of a well-placed kunai handle sticking out of the ground in her path from Ino. The furious blond flipped her over and straddled her so she could have the privilege of shouting in her face. More stuff about weddings and dresses and betrayal and bridesmaids, and Sakura couldn't take it anymore.

"Stop, Ino! Just stop, there were no bridesmaids! We eloped, just calm down and —"

"EEEEEEK! Who the hell did you elope with!? You haven't had a boyfriend since the end of the fourth shinobi war! That was like six years ago! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU MARRIED TO!?"

Sakura pumped chakra to her arms and broke Ino's grip, grabbing the girl by the ponytail and flinging her off. Both kunoichi leaped to their feet and stared each other down, crouched in defensive postures. The sounds of sparring floated through the air from Training Ground C beside them, but neither noticed.

"Obviously if we wanted people to know we wouldn't have  _eloped_. Honestly, do you actually use your brain or is it just for decoration inside your skull?"

"Cut the crap!" Ino shouted, suddenly charging at Sakura with a raised fist. "I swear I will beat the living daylights out of you until you spill — "

"Is there a problem here ladies?" a deep voice drawled, gloved hand appearing from nowhere just in time to intercept Ino's vicious swing.

"Kakashi!" Sakura exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"

"Trying to make sure the boys don't kill each other by mistake," he replied, tilting his head casually towards the figures of Naruto and Sasuke in the distance, who, judging from the degree of destruction to the surrounding area, appeared to be engaged in a battle of life and death instead of routine training. Again.

"Hatake! Now is not the best time, your former student got herself MARRIED and if she doesn't name names within the next five seconds this whole field will be splattered in gore. I suggest you move downwind," Ino spat.

Kakashi and Sakura exchanged a tiny, imperceptible glance. Any other person would have overlooked the minuscule gesture, but Ino's rage heightened her powers of perception. Blue eyes narrowed dangerously.

"Ah. I see," Kakashi said gravely. "That sounds…terrible, Sakura. You should really let your loved ones know before making such important decisions. I'm hurt."

Ino didn't miss the withering glance Sakura shot her former sensei, either, no matter how brief. Kakashi cleared his throat. "I'll just…leave you two to work it out then. I have overgrown children to supervise. See you around." He stuffed his hands into his pockets and ambled away through the gate back into the training field.

Ino's shrewd gaze darted between Sakura's too-casual expression and Kakashi's retreating figure for several long seconds. She looked like she was thinking so hard she was about to burst a blood vessel. Finally, with an audible click, one thought connected to another.

"NO FUCKING WAY!" came the screech that sent the legendary Copy Ninja running. But it was too late, Ino tackled him and began bodily dragging him back over to Sakura, who was attempting to escape over the fence in the opposite direction.

"Naruto! Sasuke! STOP HER!"

Ino's piercing shriek finally broke the pair out of their intense concentration. They looked up from the rubble-strewn spot near Kakashi's usual tree, where he'd obviously been 'supervising' (read: studying I _cha Icha_ ) their session before all hell broke loose.

"What?" Sasuke snapped, automatically ducking an underhanded jab Naruto tried to sneak in while he wasn't paying attention.

"STOP SAKURA! IT'S AN EMERGENCY!"

The two men glanced at each other, took note of Kakashi struggling to remove Ino's iron grip on his collar without shredding his jounin vest, and Sakura hightailing it into the distance like she was on fire. They made a quick decision.

"No," Sasuke said, turning to pick up a water bottle with a shrug. Naruto followed suit with an irritated grunt at their session being interrupted.

"Argh, fine! Hold him!" Ino shouted, shoving the Copy Nin towards them. He landed on the two boys, who collapsed under him in a heap. By the time they got their limbs untangled, Ino's body lay prostrate on the ground, and Sakura appeared to be dragging her own feet back through the gate against her will.

"Make sure he doesn't go anywhere!" Ino said with Sakura's voice. "These two have some serious explaining to do!"

Sasuke took a sideways glance at the uncharacteristic look of concern on Kakashi's face and casually gripped the jounin's elbow. "I don't know why I'm bothering, but Ino, what's this all about?"

Sakura's body began to pat herself down fervently.

"Oi, oi! Don't touch Sakura-chan inappropriately!" Naruto objected, taking a step forward. The pink haired kunoichi's sneer halted him in his place.

"Tell that to him," Ino said with Sakura's voice, tilting her head towards Kakashi. The grey haired man offered a polite, vague smile.

"Ahah!" Ino shouted, pulling a small, shiny object out from under Sakura's bra. She tossed it to Sasuke, who held it up to the light for examination.

"….an engagement ring," he concluded, brow raised.

Naruto's eyes bulged.

Suddenly Sakura collapsed as Ino's form stirred. The blonde girl climbed to her feet, shooting daggers at Kakashi, who appeared to be pretending he was on another planet entirely. "They got  _married_."

The silence that followed was thicker than Rock Lee's eyebrows.

"…who?" Naruto asked, all comprehension absent from his face.

"Tch." Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Kakashi and Sakura, who else would she be talking about?"

Naruto looked from one guilty face to the next. Kakashi wore the same carefully neutral expression he reserved for reading  _Icha Icha_  in public. Sakura looked anywhere but at Naruto.

" _What_ ," the blonde man croaked, brain unable to process those particular words in that particular order.

"Since when were you even together?" Sasuke finally cut through the sound of amazed disbelief to ask.

Sakura closed her eyes in resignation and let out a sigh, boot scuffing the dirt. "Uh — about two years after the war ended," she mumbled to no one in particular.

"T-that was four years ago! You…and him…all this time….?" Naruto trailed off in shock.

"Ahem," Kakashi cleared his throat lightly. "We didn't think the village would react….favorably."

"Because you've known her since she was  _twelve_ ," Ino pointed out, accusing glare leveled in the older man's direction.

A noise like the sound of dying cat escaped Naruto's throat. Kakashi's stilted smile became rather forced at the edges. "Have I treated any of you like you were twelve since you were actually twelve?"

Naruto just shook his head. "But — "

"Sakura is 22 now. I treat her like a 22 year old…that I am married to. That's all. Nothing's different from how it's been for years." Kakashi tucked his hands into his pockets and rocked back on the balls of his feet, like he wasn'tin the middle of an intrusive inquisition into his moral character.

_"Nothing's different_  — " the blonde spluttered.

"The ring isn't what caused our relationship, Naruto. Our relationship is what caused the ring," Sakura spoke up softly. Naruto paled. "Though I'd appreciate it if you gave it back now. It means…a lot to me."

Sasuke shrugged and dropped the small valuable in her open palm. Sakura deliberately placed it on her proper ring finger. Naruto's ass hit the dirt hard when his legs gave out. He blinked at nothing. Ino, conversely, blew up.

"Well!? Your former teacher and your teammate have been running around for YEARS behind ALL of our backs, and that's all you two have to say!?"

Sasuke shot Ino an unimpressed glance. "Sakura's right though. They've been together for that long and nobody noticed, so obviously it didn't change anything. Now that I think about it, those two have been weirdly close for a long time."

Naruto's brain appeared to be working overtime. "All those times you left training early, together….or when you leave dinner at Ichiraku at the same time…and how you always prefer to take the same watch on missions…" Blue eyes widened with clarity. "Oh god, you share the same  _tent_  —"

"We're professional, Naruto," Kakashi said, pretending to ignore the way Sakura's cheeks caught fire. "Of course we wouldn't dream of —"

Sasuke cut him off, looking vaguely amused. "Not if those noises are any indication. Everything makes sense now."

Naruto choked.

Sakura's cheeks matched the scarlet of her shirt. "Well it never bothered either of you before."

"We never knew about it!" Naruto protested indignantly.

"Exactly. Like I said, it never bothered you before," she retorted.

Naruto appeared to have nothing to say to that. He opened his mouth, closed it again. He turned to Sasuke. "Is this even legal?"

Sasuke's shrug was interrupted by Kakashi. "The Hokage has been informed."

"And she's okay with this!?" Ino demanded, appalled. "You're like a daughter to her, Sakura!"

"And Kakashi is a good man and a loyal Leaf nin. She couldn't wish for anyone better; of course she gave us her blessing." Sakura tried to keep the injury out of her voice but wasn't entirely successful.

Naruto looked completely stumped. "Even if baa-chan approves, is it actually  _legal_?"

Kakashi rolled his visible eye. "We haven't been teacher and student for many years. We are two consenting adults; there is no law against age gaps between partners."

"At least not while Tsunade-sama is Hokage," Sasuke pointed out with a curious glance in Naruto's direction. The Rokudaime-in-training took a deep breath and shook his head so hard his ears rattled. He looked at Kakashi steadily, eyes piercing.

"Do you love her?"

The older man returned Naruto's gaze unflinchingly. "I think you know the answer to that question perfectly well."

Now it was Naruto's turn to look abashed. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess." He turned to Sakura. "He's good to you?"

Sakura sighed, though whether in exasperation or relief not even she was sure. "Naruto, you watch us interact every day. Do you even need to ask?"

The stubborn blond crossed his arms. "I do! I don't know what you two are like together when you're…alone."

"Be thankful for that much," Sasuke mumbled under his breath.

"I mean, do you even live together? You both have your own apartments," Naruto continued, pacing in random directions.

"Appearances' sake," Sakura explained tiredly. "We usually sleep at my place. It's bigger…and cleaner."

"Wait. You're married but you don't even live together full-time?" Ino asked with a frown.

Naruto mirrored the downward curve of her mouth with his own. "That's kind of…"

"…pathetic," Sasuke finished bluntly.

"Well we don't exactly have a choice! We don't want to cause a scandal," Sakura piped up defensively. "I mean, who knows how people would react," she tacked on with a sideways glance at the others. Ino shifted uncomfortably.

Naruto's brow furrowed in thought, frown deepening. "You're both family to us. We want you to be happy, but…"

"But why  _him_?" Ino burst out. "He's  _old_!"

Kakashi's tight smile froze on his face. Sakura's left hand flew to perch on her hip, right hand darting out to enclose Kakashi's boldly. He glanced down at their entwined fingers in surprise.

"Yes, Ino, he's old. And intelligent, and lazy, and overconfident, and loyal to the point of idiocy, and an unrepentant pervert to boot."

"Please, Sakura, you'll make me blush," Kakashi protested wryly. But it was Naruto and Ino's cheeks that were aflame — even Sasuke looked a bit taken aback by Sakura's bold declarations.

"Yes, I know his flaws and his gifts better than anyone. And I like him just fine exactly the way he is — old age and everything — thank you very much," she finished, squeezing her husband's hand in her palm.

The others looked at each other in surprise. Naruto's eyes darkened with resolve as he appeared to finally make up his mind about something. He crossed his arms and pushed his chin out, mouth opening to speak. Sakura swallowed hard.

"If he's what you want, what you really want, then I can hardly object. As long as you keep the gross stuff to yourselves. Or at least let me get more used to the idea first before you start with the pet names and PDA."

Sakura blinked in shock. She turned to Sasuke next, who shrugged. "Like I would care," he said flippantly.

Ino was the last to speak up. There was still a tightness to her eyes, a minor war waging in her expression. "…I have one condition, Forehead."

Sakura scowled. "We've been married for some time now. We weren't asking for your permission, Pig, just your…tentative approval. Or at least non-disapproval."

"Well I will approve only on the condition that there is a wedding, and I am your maid of honor."

Sakura choked on the air in her lungs. Kakashi appeared to be stifling laughter.

"That's rather much, even for you Pig, don't you think?" Sakura snorted.

Ino flipped her hair over her shoulder nonchalantly. "I don't care. You're not cheating me out of an elaborate ceremony. Which I am naturally going to plan in full, in addition to providing all the flower arrangements. Duh."

"Ino," Kakashi interjected. "Uh… _generous_ …as your offer is, having a big wedding ceremony kind of defeats the purpose of the whole 'secret marriage' thing. We really don't want that kind of attention."

"Everyone's going to find out anyway," Ino insisted. "Might as well put it out in the open."

"Not if you don't tell them," Sakura replied, green eyes pleading.

Ino softened under her old friend's gaze. She opened her mouth to respond but Sasuke cut her off.

"You can't keep it secret forever. Ino's right, everyone's going to find out the second Sakura gets pregnant anyway."

The pink haired kunoichi's jaw landed somewhere roughly around her knees. "When I'm…WHAT?"

Sasuke scoffed. "Don't tell me you didn't even think that far ahead. Most married couples reproduce eventually, Sakura."

Sakura and Kakashi stared at each other in open shock.

Ino looked bemused. "You seriously  _didn't_  think about that, did you?"

" _I_  don't want to think about that, thanks," Naruto grumbled.

"Uh, we've only been married for a year, so we haven't really talked about —" Kakashi began.

Ino noticed the fierce blush creeping across Sakura's face and quirked a brow. "Well maybe you should."

The couple just looked at each other. They opened their mouths to speak at the same time.

"Uh—"

"Er —"

They couldn't help but crack smiles. Kakashi released Sakura's hand and scratched the back of his neck. "We'll talk later," he chuckled, sheepish.

Sakura turned back to the other three looking on in amusement at the exchange. "I can't believe you guys are even okay with that idea."

Naruto's cheek twitched. "Actually, I think you two would make one hell of a funny-looking baby. I mean the poor kid either gets pink hair or gray hair…at  _birth_. Either way he's screwed."

Kakashi's eyebrows disappeared into his hairline. "What do you mean, 'he'?"

"Well, it would obviously be a boy. Because I want a godson."

"N-naruto!" Sakura spluttered.

"I just don't want to hear about how he gets made. But the kid itself would be a great idea — I could use someone to pass the Rasengan onto before bastard here ruins the next generation with all those shitty Uchiha techniques."

"Oh please," Sasuke said with an expression of supreme tolerance. "You couldn't teach a fish to swim."

Naruto puffed out his chest. "Wanna bet? We'll see when he gets here, teme, you're on!"

Sakura pinched the bridge of her nose. "I seriously can't believe I'm hearing this."

Kakashi chuckled. "I can't believe they're taking it so well."

"Well let's not put up fliers just yet," Sakura muttered.

Ino crossed her arms and stuck out her hip importantly. "It's because we want you to be happy, Forehead. And if he makes you happy —"

" — no matter how gross that is," Naruto interjected.

" — whatever strange life decisions you make should always be okay with your true friends," Ino finished, as though this were the most obvious thing in the world and Sakura was an idiot for ever doubting them. Sakura noted that all memory of her attempted assault against her 'true friend' just a few minutes earlier had already evaporated.

Even Sasuke grunted his assent. "Yes, true friends, whatever. Now can we get the hell out of this training field? My genin are staring."

"Oi!" Naruto barked at the obvious rustling in the bushes nearby. "Just because you're off duty today doesn't mean you get to spy on your sensei! If you're that bored, go train!"

Three giggling blurs streaked out of the foliage and hopped the fence before a lecture could descend on them. Or worse, their sensei's infamous Unamused Expression.

Kakashi rolled his eye. "I'm not going to bother pointing out the historical irony of that statement, Naruto."

"You just did," Sasuke shot back, gathering up their scattered training gear into a pack and slinging it over his shoulder. Naruto's stomach growled loudly, startling the group.

"Ichiraku," everyone chorused.

"Forehead is buying since she inconsiderately interrupted my lunch with her illicit marriages," Ino sniffed, leading the way.

Sakura huffed. "I believe you interrupted my lunch with your unnecessarily large snout, Pig."

The group made their way across town like that, bickering amiably. The sun beat down from the blue, blue sky, and the familiar everyday commotion of Konoha filled their ears. By the time they reached the welcoming blue curtains of the ramen storefront, everyone was is surprisingly normal spirits.

"Well. Everything went better than expected," Kakashi said, nodding with approval at no one in particular.

"Yeah, you didn't even get castrated or anything," Sakura smiled. "Not bad."

"I guess we can finally unpack our emergency missing-nin-ready supplies now, huh?" he replied with a grin.

There was a beat of silence. Naruto's head spun 180 degrees around on his neck to stare at them.

"WHAT?"

"It was a joke, Naruto. Relax," Sasuke grumbled, pulling the curtain aside.

As the laughing group squeezed through the entryway together, Kakashi caught Sakura's wrist, hanging back.

"No really, I'll unpack them tonight when we get home," he spoke in a low voice, cloth-covered mouth brushing the shell of her ear.

"Good," she whispered back, hand resting lightly on his arm. "But that's not the only think you'll be unpacking tonight."

His good eye darkened with interest. "….are you hitting on me or asking me to move in with you?"

"I can't do both at once?" Sakura asked innocently.

A low chuckle rumbled from his chest. "Talented girl."

"OI! You two! Quit loitering in doorways like creepers and get in here or we really will make you pick up the tab!" a familiar voice floated from out-of-sight behind the curtain.

Sakura rolled her eyes reflexively. "Coming, Naruto."

"You will be later," Kakashi hummed, a mischievous glint in his eye.

"Kakashi!" his wife hissed, torn between being scandalized and amused. She settled for turning pink instead. "I will hold you to that though," she added seriously, snatching up his hand and dragging him through the door to join their friends.

For the first time in the course of their four-year relationship, Kakashi and Sakura finally felt free to play footsie under the table in public. Provided they didn't get caught by Naruto, of course. But hey, there were perks to being ninjas.

And sometimes, it wasn't so horrible to be caught after all.

\- o -

**fin**

\- o -


End file.
